Sean Allen Sucks At Fantasy Hockey: 2022 Edition
I’m going to embarrass Sean Allen for the rest of the time I am alive. He’s going to have to kill me before I stop humiliating him. The bottom line is Sean Allen sucks at fantasy hockey and it’s insane ESPN even writes that guy a check.
A year ago I basically went undefeated in fantasy hockey. I lost ONE week because of Covid cancellations. Want to hear my secret? I used my own rankings and faded everything that Allen had to say. When you do a fantasy hockey draft on ESPN, his default rankings are the setting in which you use to pick players. I torched everyone because the bottom line is I’m just way smarter than the clown that does this for ESPN.
I won’t give away too many of my secrets for this year (unless someone puts money in my pocket) but I just wanted to list a few no brainers that just have no chance to go Allen’s way. A year ago, I spit in his face and laughed. This year, we will put more of those thoughts out in the open because this clown can’t continue to get away with this.
I will humiliate this man year after year. That’s a promise. Well, that is unless ESPN fires him OR Allen cuts me a check. I don’t need the credit. He can keep his name on his posts. I just want 50% of his earnings.
Let’s just keep the list small for the first installation of this series. Sean Allen sucks at fantasy hockey and here’s why. Here are five things he’s guaranteed to be wrong about. I dare you to bookmark it. I hit at about 98% of my projections last year. He’s dead this year. I guarantee it.
*These are in no particular order* Just firing these off from the hip as I see them.
5: Phil Kessel (Golden Knights)
“(1.37 FPPG 2019-21; 1.17 FPPG 2021-22): After being stranded virtually alone in the desert for two years, there is a very big opportunity for Kessel to start producing again with the Golden Knights.”
Verdict: Of course he bounces back. Thirty goals and 40 helpers flanking Eichel and Stone.“VIA SEAN ALLEN
This is hilarious. Look, maybe Kessel can get 40 assists. Seems high but maybe not totally outrageous if he gets lucky on some of those powerplay assists. However, this idea that Kessel is hitting 70 points easy with 30 goals is banana land. Truly Looney Tunes at the highest form of moronic levels. So dumb that I can’t believe nobody helps this guy cross the street.
A: There wasn’t a single player on the Golden Knights a year ago that even crossed the 70-point total. Not one. Not saying that can’t happen this year with a clean bill of health and a new coaching change. Let’s not sit here and pretend 70 points is a walk in the park.
B: Phil Kessel has not hit 70 points since the 2018-19 season with Pittsburgh. Kessel is now 34. Not saying he can’t potentially help the Golden Knights but what the actual hell are we talking about? Fat, slow, and can’t play any defense. Offensively, there might be some juice in the tank but wow sir, you are DUMB.
C: In the range of outcomes that exist, there is a significantly higher chance Kessel becomes a healthy scratch over him notching 70 points.
D: Kessel is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to flank Mark Stone and Jack Eichel for a majority of the season. Maybe he gets that opportunity at some point but that’s certainly not the safe bet. All indications point to Jonathan Marchessault playing top line left winger. In fact, Allen is so dumb that he actually has Kessel ranked ahead of Marchessault in his player rankings. He just couldn’t be more clueless. Either that or Allen just didn’t do his homework. OR his eyeballs don’t work. Doesn’t really matter. It’s just easier and easier to see why I own him.
E: Kessel isn’t really a good hockey player anymore. The pro-Kessel argument here is that the finishing rate goes up skating with better players. He’s still a liability on the ice in more ways than one. That should probably matter, right?
F: If you’re not a Marchessault believer, Chandler Stephenson is a way better bet than Kessel. Kessel notched 16:41 average ice time a year ago. That was with a really bad Coyotes team. Stephenson was at 19:19 a year ago and continues to keep getting better. With broken Max Pacioretty gone, Stephenson is only going to get a larger opportunity.
4: Tyler Seguin (Dallas Stars)
“(1.80 FPPG 2019-21; 1.57 FPPG 2021-22): I will admit to being heavily invested in the narrative of Seguin returning from a season-long injury absence and surgery to find his form as one of the elite goal scorers of the NHL again. I no longer envision that future, but I can see one where he gets back to solid, roster-worthy fantasy production. If Seguin just needed a mulligan campaign to get his legs back, we could be in for a surprise. Seguin handed in seasons of 2.37 FPPG and 2.33 FPPG in 2017-18 and 2018-19 before the knee and hip issues began. I won’t be as bold to forecast that kind of production again, but I wouldn’t be shocked if he topped 1.80 FPPG. Count me in for a bounceback season, just not quite as high as I expected last year.”
“Verdict: Will have his form back and be worthy of your roster.“VIA SEAN ALLEN
I get it now. Allen went full castaway mode and stopped watching hockey five years ago. It all makes sense now. First Kessel, now Tyler Seguin?!?! Oh, boy. What’s next for, Sean? Is he going to get all horned up and write about how Martin Brodeur should be a fantasy-relevant goalie this season?
Look, Seguin is a bit of a man rocket. Sharp looking guy. Allen can pump the eggplant emojis into Seguin all he wants but we’re still talking about fantasy hockey. The goal here isn’t to be one of those Emma Brown Twitter follows where they fantasize over thirst trapping the players. The goal is the win fantasy hockey leagues and if you pick Seguin, you may as well light yourself on fire for being a menace to society.
Allen currently has Seguin ranked 136th in his rankings. That’s one spot ahead of Brayden Point. I’m being dead serious. He actually has it ranked that way. I don’t need to go too deep into the stats here. Allen already told you how terrible he’s been over the last couple of years.
The peak is gone. We’re never seeing prime Seguin again. It sucks but this has been the reality for some time. He’s got a bad hip condition we have known about for a long time. Call it the Sony Michel syndrome. Michel might have some talent but his knees are made of super glue and spit.
I will bet Sean Allen whatever he wants that Brayden Point outscores Tyler Seguin. Whatever he wants. If I have to bang his wife as part of the bet, I’ll do it. Hopefully, he’s better at that than he is at this hockey thing.
3: David Pastrnak (Boston Bruins)
(2.61 FPPG 2019-21; 2.42 FPPG 2021-22): After a slow start with his longtime linemates of Patrice Bergeron and Brad Marchand, Pastrnak found more success last season with Taylor Hall and Erik Haula. But it wasn’t enough to find his higher gears from prior seasons. Pastrnak had his explosive campaigns alongside Bergeron and Marchand, but that doesn’t appear to be an option on the table anymore. Settling for 2.40 FPPG will likely have to do, with the window on Pastrnak pushing for 3.00 FPPG looking to be closed.
“Verdict: No bounceback. This is the new normal.“VIA SEAN ALLEN
We’re really doing this, huh? Fading David Pastrnak. That’s a take. In the range of outcomes that exist, maybe it’s possible but boy… you playing with fire.
40 goals and 37 assists for Pasta in 77 games last year. Excluding the shortened season, Pasta had 95 points in 2019-20 as a 23-year-old. I don’t think this is the new normal. I think David Pastrnak is one of the best overall players in the entire sport and fading him probably is very, very dumb.
Allen has Pasta ranked 33rd which isn’t super disrespectful but lower than Timo Meier? K pal.
*Maybe* Pasta gets off to a slow start with so many guys on the Bruins injured to start the year. When Brad Marchand and Charlie McAvoy return, I’m not betting against Pasta to post another great season. Patrice Bergeron is back. So is David Krejci. Oh, and Pasta is playing for a new contract.
Bet against Pasta at your own peril. Pasta broke the 300 shot mark for the first time in his career a season ago. He’s scoring 40 again if not more.
2: Matthew Tkachuk (Florida Panthers)
“(ranked 11th overall, fourth among wingers): It doesn’t matter who Tkachuk plays with, he creates fantasy points all on his own. So while there may be some concerns over him moving away from his two linemates that helped build the best line in the NHL last season (72 goals), I don’t share that concern. The Panthers have an elite center lined up for Tkachuk in Aleksander Barkov and that alone should be enough for him to repeat his value. His current ADP has Tkachuk going behind Mitch Marner and Mikko Rantanen, but I’d take him over those two.”VIA SEAN ALLEN
Wacko alert! This is not meant to disparage Matthew Tkachuk. I’m a big fan and wanted Vegas to land him bad. There is still basically no chance Tkachuk finishes this high in fantasy. Like basically no chance.
A: The Florida Panthers scored 337 goals last year. That’s 25 higher than the next team in the sport (Maple Leafs). For Tkachuk to hit player 11 in fantasy, the Panthers need to maintain that offensive output. It’s just not happening.
B: Florida got worse heading into this season. It’s undeniable. Just go read the Bill Zito post I wrote a few months ago. You will start to understand. Jonathan Huberdeau, MacKenzie Weegar, Mason Marchment and Claude Giroux are all gone. Anthony Duclair is also going to miss a vast majority of the season. This team might not even make the playoffs…
C: We have a coaching change. Andrew Brunette may have gotten dog walked in the playoffs but Florida’s offensive system worked. It was Joel Quenneville’s brilliance managed by others and it was good enough to work in the regular season. Paul Maurice is the new man in charge. To just assume he will pick up the pieces and return Florida back to the President’s Trophy winners is probably foolish.
D: Tkachuk won’t have 104 points again. It just won’t happen. He had better linemates in Calgary. I love Aleksander Barkov but there is no guarantee they even skate together. The previous regime used to split Barkov and Huberdeau for large chunks of the season. Even if Barkov is on the same line, do we understand how good Johnny Gaudreau and Elias Lindholm were last year? Good luck repeating that season.
E: I hate that this is going to sound like a negative because I love it but Tkachuk spends too much time in the box. 17:54 average ice time last year. Mostly because he fights all the time or gets called for a bad penalty. I can’t spend the 11th pick on someone that isn’t on the ice all the time.
I’m sorry (but also not sorry) but this ranking is clueless.
1: His Rankings Suck Again
Let’s wrap this puppy up with some quick hitters. Here is the link to the Sean Allen rankings. I’ll keep some of these to myself but let’s just go over maybe 2-3 that stick out like a sore thumb.
Bro… you really going to rank Ilya Sorokin G3, overall player 13? You do know that Barry Trotz is gone now, right? K.
Sidney Crosby at 39 is actually disrespectful. That should be top 25 easy without hesitation. Ovechkin at 49 is similar but I get it to a lesser degree even though I think it’s wrong. Feels very Steven Stamkos which is something I took advantage of last year and turned out to be a league winning move.