Wawa Broke My Heart; Becomes Official Hoagie Of The Baltimore Ravens

My month of July hasn’t been great. On July 1^st at approximately 6 PM my girlfriend of 11 months dumped me after I had already given her our 1–year anniversary present that cost about $125. Then the goddamn Phillies continue to do an Irish Jig all over my torn out heart. And now the one thing in my life I thought would always be there has cheated on me. Not just cheated on me though, they cheated on the entire city of Philadelphia. The city that I love more than anything in the entire world. The city that I was born in and will defend until the last breath escaped my lungs. The cold heartless wench that has made a fool of the city that gave it its start is none other than the Philadelphia icon…WAWA…

Wawa released a tweet on July 23^rd that literally hopped out of my phone and repeatedly used my sack for a punching bag. Wawa has become the official hoagie of the Baltimore Ravens. This act of betrayal is worse than any heartbreak that I’ve encountered in my 23 years on this glorious planet, and on fucking Hoagiefest…you bitch.

I only have one question for you Wawa. Why the Ravens? I thought we were your birds? We are the birds. Is it because they have one more Super Bowl than we do? I just don’t know what to say to you right now. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. What do they have that we don’t?! WE HAVE AN ACTUAL QUARTERBACK!! Is it because you like bad boys? We can be bad! Hell, we almost had a purge after we won the Super Bowl. I mean we could have one of our players murder someone like Ray Lewis did. I mean hell Desean Jackson is in a freaking gang! It’s over now. What’s done is done, and don’t you try crawling back. We just need time. I’m sorry…