Jeff Passan
Puny human, Jeff Passan wrote maybe the worst article ever on the Red Sox #DirtyWater poor start

Every single year the baseball season opens and every single year fans panic over April baseball results. I have news for you… It means nothing. Not a damn thing. If the season ended today, the Detroit Tigers would make the postseason. I would bet my life that doesn’t happen. That’s why we play 162 games. If you want to get worked up over every game and cheer like a crazy person, that’s fine. Just as long as you know in the back of your mind the games don’t mean a whole lot yet.

Today I was just scrolling for content and I saw maybe the single worst article I’ve ever read in my life. Of course, it came from ESPN. Jeff Passan is apparently the new Woj or Adam Schefter at ESPN. After reading that post, he’s acting a hell of a lot more like that clueless Muppet, Adam Schefter than he is the ghost who protects us in the night, Woj.

Passan wrote a piece today that was called ‘Why question-filled present for Red Sox mirrors what future could look like’. Sure pal, whatever that means. Last time I checked the Red Sox just raised a banner, presented all the players championship rings, and celebrated the Patriots Super Bowl title on the same day. In fact, there was so much drama involved. Normally if the Patriots win the Super Bowl, the Red Sox honor them during their home opener. Turns out that they had to honor themselves too. Yeah, sounds like a terrible present. I’d much rather be in the Rangers shoes. Hey, flexible payroll!

Before I begin any further, let’s dig into Passan.

Jeff Passan
Yahoo

Look at this puny human. There is a zero percent chance that this guy can even bench 145 pounds. Just no chance. He would probably have to go to the hospital with collapsed lungs if he tried. I mean no chance. I would bet my life that my 12 year old brother could 100 percent beat him up in a fight.

I was also under the assumption that reporters were supposed to report news. Passan is the lead baseball reporter. I don’t need my reporters to write opinion pieces. I need my reporters to learn when a guy goes on the Injured List or when a trade is about to go down.

ESPN also has a clear bias towards the Red Sox. Buster Olney is a full blown Yankees homer. We know that and I accept it. It’s fine, I don’t care. The bigger issue I have is that putrid company puts a Yankees fan in charge of running ESPN Boston content. What? Yeah, that’s how pathetic ESPN is.

The Red Sox held their Opening day festivities and a Yankees fan was in charge of recording the data.

Jeff Passan
Twitter
Matt Marrone
ESPN

That would be the equivalent of sending Barack Obama to cover the Republican National Convention or vice versa with Donald Trump. How the Fuck is the credible in any way, shape, or form? That douche Marrone even bragged about buying Red Sox merch. Was that supposed to make it more enticing to read his garbage?

Now that we have covered that basis, let’s jump inside the post. I’m going to tackle this bullet point, by bullet point.

“For those in Boston panicking about the Red Sox’s sequel to a World Series championship starting with a 3-9 record and the worst run differential in the American League, fear not. That thing in the distance — it’s not the sky falling. It’s just a smoke signal from luxury-tax hell to warn that it’s coming. Or wait. Maybe it’s actually the farm sending a message that the system is barren and needs help.

Pardon the gallows humor. The Red Sox’s debacle of a beginning to the 2019 season is bad enough as it is. That Boston has backed itself into a corner in other integral facets of building a sustained contender only makes it worse — and explains why the capacity to change their current trajectory won’t be easy.”

Would I love the Red Sox to repeat? Hell, yeah. I also know a team hasn’t repeated in 20 years and I’ve already seen 4 championships since 2004. No other fan base can say that. As far as I’m concerned, I’m pretty lucky. The Red Sox have been great to me. This video below happened yesterday, April 9th, 2019. Seems pretty present to me.

Passan somehow seems to suggest within his first two paragraphs that the Red Sox should blow up a team that just won 119 games and a World Series title based on the first 12 games of April where the Red Sox have played just one home game. But hey, that luxury tax bill is coming. I should apparently be so concerned about. Let’s continue.

“This is not to cast the Red Sox to where they resided in their previous incarnation, with three last-place finishes sandwiched around a most unlikely title. Any team with Boston’s resources can purchase an end around most issues, with the caveat that it could perhaps compound them to an even greater degree.”

What the fuck does this mean? I seriously want to know? The last time I checked the Red Sox have won 3 straight division titles. Let me repeat that, The Red Sox have won the last 3 AL East division titles with the New York Yankees in the same division. Where the fuck is a last place team anywhere in sight? Oh, you mean the 2015 team run by clueless John Farrell or the Bobby Valentine trainwreck year? That’s an eternity in baseball. The Orioles were making the playoffs on a regular basis back then. Things change, pal. Since Dave Dombrowski took over, all they have done is win. Now they also have the best manager in baseball with Alex Cora. Not debatable. The man is a wizard. What else do you have for me, you moron?

“Perhaps it’s easiest to start there, with the Red Sox showering their largesse at a curious time. Less than a week after the first pitch of the spring he threw clocked in at 89 mph, Chris Sale agreed to a five-year, $145 million contract extension with the Red Sox. Sale has been one of the best pitchers in the major leagues for the better part of a decade. His two seasons in Boston have been beyond phenomenal. He is revered in the clubhouse, the organization, the city.”

“That said, the reaction around baseball was the awkward marriage of puzzlement at why they did it and giddiness that they actually did. Among the mileage on Sale’s arm, the shoulder problems that disabled him twice last year and the fastball velocity going AWOL, the warning signs were lit up like the Citgo sign. And the Red Sox had the perfect hedge: Sale was under contract for the 2019 season. If he looked good, rival executives figured, the Red Sox could extend him following the year. If not, he would hit free agency.”

“Now, on the heels of his third consecutive troublesome start, with radar guns registering UH-OH instead of a number, the Sale contract is, at least in the short term, a red flag, and not the kind that hangs at Fenway Park celebrating a title. Starting next season, they’re on the hook for $29 million a year for Sale — at least twice what he’d get coming off a substandard 2019 — plus $32 million a year for David Price and $17 million a season for Nathan Eovaldi, both through 2022. That’s $78 million a year for three starting pitchers — or more than the first-place Tampa Bay Rays, who have only three starting pitchers, are spending on their entire team this season.”

So now we’re betting against Chris Sale? Yeah, that seems like a good idea. You know, the pitcher who had the best starter ERA in the American league last year. Passan brings up the 89 velocity in Spring Training. Sale made one spring training start. ONE. They gave him extra rest because the Red Sox were tired from winning that thing called the World Series. Passan must have missed the game yesterday. Sale hit 95 MPH on the gun yesterday. He did lose because of ground ball and bloop hits that barely left the infield.

Then this jackass brings David Price and Nathan Eovaldi into the mix? Why? David Price has 100 percent lived up to his mega pay day. Price is 39-20 in a Red Sox uniform and pitched his ass off during the postseason. Eovaldi has made two starts and he’s already been called a disaster? Makes zero sense. Hey, watch out for those “first place Rays!” What a clownshow. The Rays have some talent. They could be a playoff team. I’m not denying that but C’Mon. “FIRST PLACE RAYS!” Stop. You sound like a halfwit tool bag.

Passan then continues with some Craig Kimbrel jargon. Sure, I’d like to have him back. He’s also asking for a crazy amount of money. There’s a reason why he hasn’t been signed. Criticizing the Astros or Red Sox for not re-signing Kimbrel or Dallas Keuchel already shows that you know nothing. Kimbrel asked for $100 million. Nobody is giving him that. End of story.

Passan then brings up the future payroll situation. Fair topic to bring up for any team really. Okay, let’s see what he has.

“Which wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it didn’t force the Red Sox into some awfully interesting decisions coming up. Between the extensions for Sale and Xander Bogaerts (at a much more reasonable six years, $120 million for a 26-year-old shortstop) this spring, Boston committed another $50 million or so a year to its payroll for at least the next half-decade. Today, with only Sale, Price, Eovaldi, Bogaerts, Dustin Pedroia and Christian Vazquez, the Red Sox have a luxury-tax number of $114 million next season.

“Automatically add benefits, and that takes it to $129 million. Plus an estimated $30 million in 2020 for Mookie Betts, which brings it to the cusp of $160 million. Then $10 million for Jackie Bradley Jr., and about half that for Andrew Benintendi going to arbitration for the first time, and it’s at $175 million for nine players. That doesn’t include J.D. Martinez, because he may well opt out. Boston will need at least one starting pitcher, a first baseman, a DH and some semblance of a bullpen, and all under the $208 million number that year, so they can avoid staying at the repeat-offender base rate of a 50 percent tax. Maybe their two best prospects, Bobby Dalbec and Michael Chavis, can fill those power-hitting roles and make the potential loss of Martinez an afterthought.”

Oh, so the Bogaerts contract was reasonable. Thanks for mentioning that. I think what you meant to say was that it was a no brainer. Since 2014, Bogaerts leads all shortstops in extra-base hits and RBI’s. No mention of that though. Bogaerts is also 26 so there’s no age regression in the near future.

Not one of those contracts will hinder the Red Sox future. Not one. Do you know what did hinder the future? Pablo Sandoval. The Red Sox are still paying him. Think about that. The Red Sox paid him $20 million to go away and still won the World Series anyway. Where was the mention of that? That contract finally comes off the books after this year. If the Red Sox really want to, they can reset the luxury tax next year. Rick Porcello, Brock Holt, Eduardo Nunez, Steve Pearce, Tyler Thornberg, and Mitch Moreland all come off the books.

If the Red Sox want to go cheap, they can. Darwinzon Hernandez can fill the Rick Porcello spot in the rotation. He’s an electric factory pitching prospect with a nasty slider. Hernandez pitched well in the Arizona fall league and may even make an appearance this year if an injury pops up. He’s currently in AA but should be ready any time to get called up. The Red Sox also have corner infielders for days. The most ready is Michael Chavis who is a former first round pick and smacks the shit out of the ball. Bobby Dalbec isn’t quite there but he has interesting power potential. Just needs to cut down on the strikeouts. This idea that the Red Sox have a barren farm system really isn’t true. 2 or 3 years ago you should have said that after Dombrowski went balls deep into trades that resulted in winning a world series. That statement isn’t true anymore. There’s some talent down in the system.

Hey, there’s always that possibility where the Red Sox continue to spend money. You know, the thing that this franchise has continued to do since I’ve pretty much been alive. John Henry is loaded. He owns Roush Fenway racing, Liverpool FC, the Boston Globe, New England Sports Network, and the Red Sox. I can promise you that you don’t need to worry about his checkbook. The Red Sox have ability to have an even higher payroll if they really want to.

This last sentence in his quote is where I really burst out laughing. JD Martinez has the ability to opt out of his deal next year if he so chooses. I think it could go either way. Will teams really buck up in the open market for Martinez? Probably, but when you start to consider that he’s really a 32-year-old DH with draft pick compensation attached, I’m starting to doubt that a team will top the $63 million he has coming over the next three years. A more likely scenario is that Martinez maybe restructures the deal bringing it closer to $70 million with the Red Sox.

That’s not the laughing matter though. Read the last word of that quote above. “Afterthought”. This man, boy or whatever he is just called JD Martinez an afterthought. The last time I checked a .330 average, 43 bombs, and 130 RBI’s doesn’t accurately describe what an afterthought is. I’m a man of integrity. I was way wrong on JD. I didn’t like the signing. I thought it was way too much money for a DH but he’s been way underpaid. This idea that some prospect can get called up and make JD Martinez an afterthought might be the most foolish statement I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

In conclusion, not only is Jeff Passan a big time pus. Not only does Jeff Passan work for the idiot empire that is ESPN. Jeff Passan is also a complete and utter moron. Congrats, Passan. You wrote an article about April baseball trying to use fear mongering tactics to get clicks. I won’t fall for your cheese. It’s all trash. Just like everything else that ESPN does.