Vonny’s Pick Corner: 2019-2020 NFL Week 4

Vonny’s Pick Corner: 2019-2020 NFL Week 4

Before we get started, take a second. Soak it in. Football is BACK, hockey and basketball are right around the corner, regular season baseball is over. We did it, everybody. We made it through the hardest part of the year. But damn was it tough. No more scouring the lines of Australian Cricket Leagues and the WNBA just to feel something. No more hours wasted on Excel trying to create an algorithm tying together batting averages and air pressure averages just so you can win a couple bucks on a Tuesday matchup between the Rays and the Tigers. We’re here, and it’s time we make our way back into the black and, if we’re lucky, make enough money so that your friends/family/significant other don’t get concerned over your personal and financial well-being.

Let’s go.

Favorites:

Giants -3 @ Home vs. Redskins:

Let’s start this off with a potential early candidate for Worst Game of the Season. Barkley’s out. Washington’s leading rusher hasn’t been the same since he was getting arrested for what I like to call “Percussive Parenting.” But hear me out, this game is as good as cashed. The Skins just had their asses whooped in a rare game that made Trubisky look like any other QB drafted in the 1st Round in the 2017 Draft. And now they have a short week and a trip up to MetLife to face Fast Eli Manning and a Giants team that suddenly found life. Giants run away with this one.

Chargers -16 ½ @ Dolphins:

The spread could be set in the mid to high 30’s and I would still probably consider it.

Seahawks -5 @ Cardinals:

Tall Kyler Murray is going to put on a clinic for Short Russell Wilson to show him the ropes of what it takes to be an NFL QB. Russ scores no less than 3 rushing TD’s this game.

Dawgs:

Bills +7 ½ @ Home vs. Patriots:

Don’t look now, but Buffalo might finally have something besides wing joints, broken white plastic picnic tables, and public displays of anal play. Bills are going into Week 4 HOT with the world’s craziest fans getting loud and rowdy behind them. @NFL, I need at least one camera on this crowd at all times.

Jags +3 @ Broncos:

One of the league’s most Elite QB’s vs. Joe Flacco. There’s not enough pass interference calls in the world to save this Bronco’s offense. Sprinkle a little on the Jags Moneyline because they win this game outright.

Vikings ML @ Bears:

Kirk Cousins is going to try his hardest to lose this one, but I think Dalvin Cook and a tough Vikings D will be enough to keep this game under wraps. Low scoring affair, more than a few turnovers, and the Vikings ending up on top.

Overs:

Chiefs/Lions o54:

I honestly think Mahomes hits this over by himself.

Texans/Panthers o47:

Forgoing Bill O’Brien actively trying to put his franchise QB in a wheelchair, I see both QB’s putting on a show.

Unders:

Unders. Are they smart picks? Yes. Can you win a good amount of money on them? Sure. Should you? No. I used to work with a guy who swore on Unders. Wanna know a fun fact about that guy? He fucking sucked. One time he went on a trip with his girlfriend and came back early without her because he snooped through her phone and found out she was cheating on him. But can you blame her? If you’re watching a game actively rooting for nothing to happen, you deserve the worst things life can throw at you. Listen, we’ve all dabbled with at least one Under in our lives. We’ve all dipped our toes in the water and experimented with something we later regretted. It’s what makes us human. You get one freebie. After that? It’s over. Done. Finished. And if you find yourself betting on Unders, going on a trip with the love of your life, finding out they’re hooking up with the person they told you not to worry about, leaving and going home early just to stop in at your parent’s house and walk in on your parents arguing about divorce because they’re blaming each other for letting your very existence tear up their marriage that was perfect until you came around… Guess what, pal, you deserve it.

Von’s Bonus Pick of the Week:

Ben Grabeldinger+6000 to win the European Pinball Championship:

Alright, come on, the guy’s name is GRABELDINGER and he’s a professional pinball player. Forget the odds. Forget that you didn’t know there were international Pinball championships. I’ve never been more sure of something in my life. Bet your mom’s house on this one.

Wrapping up:

Week 4. The season’s coming together. We’re starting to understand who these teams are, who’s real and who’s not. First 3 weeks were throwing shit at the fan and hoping something sticks. Now we’re in the meat of the season. We’ve got the Sportsbooks right where we want them. Bookmakers are trembling at the thought of what we’re gonna do to them this season. So let’s take our cash, place our bets, and rob Vegas so dry that it makes Ocean’s Eleven look like amateur hour. Let’s go, boys and girls, we got a bag to secure.

PS- Have you guys watched Ocean’s Eleven in the last 5 years? Bro. Ridiculous. First of all, my guy’s name is DANNY FUCKING OCEAN. So if you go into the movie like “wonder why it’s called Ocean’s Eleven?” its because the man’s parents decided at birth that their precious son Danny Ocean was going to end up either robbing a casino in Vegas or becoming a male porn star. Anyways, Danny and his group of handsome friends go to rob the biggest casino in Vegas because American Psycho owns it and is fucking his wife. Doesn’t even want the cash. Basically, the plot of the movie originally lives and dies on the premise that this small Asian boy can fold himself up into the size of a small cat into a metal cart and somehow triple backflip from said cart onto the door without setting off any alarms. Or that’s what they want you to think. Because just as they’re about to get away, the SWAT team comes in, gasses up the joint, pulls out a small militia’s worth of automatic weapons and starts just ripping shots all over the place. So at this point, you’re like “oh god, what happened?” and the movie goes “fuck you”, kicks you in the gut, and spits on your face as you lay there in pain. Because guess what, out of nowhere, Danny and his gang of “People’s Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive” Award Winners from 1997 to 2007 were the SWAT Team. Because somehow, out of nowhere, they managed to get a bulletproof swat van, deck themselves out in high tech equipment, and make a clean getaway with a haul of over $150 mil. What an absolute piece of cinematic gold.

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