Sean Allen Mansplains Age Curve In Latest Defensemen Blog
I honestly didn’t think it could get worse. I thought my Sean Allen hate blog for the year was good to go ahead and fire. I was proven very wrong. This moron is even dumber than I somehow thought. When I say dumb, I mean so dumb if they held a power rankings for ESPN employees, there is just no chance Allen is higher than last. That dumb.
Allen dropped his latest post today on how he feels about the defensemen this year relative to the average draft position. Well, I think that’s what he was trying to go for but he didn’t really execute it correctly. You’re always looking for that breakout candidate in any fantasy sport. Those are the guys the Big J journalists like myself refer to as league winners. small j Sean decided that in his blog he was going to mansplain age curve to you.
I’m seriously not kidding. Click it. Ten paragraphs actually explaining that humans improve in their 20’s. As if anyone slightly educated didn’t already know that, to begin with. Don’t we learn this at like eight years old? Boy, I’ll tell you, Sean; If you just figured out now that humans improve in their 20’s, you are totally screwed in this war. I mean totally screwed.
For the record, I don’t hate all of the candidates listed on here. It’s a list of ten and obviously some of them are going to qualify for that age curve breakout season. The whole point is figuring out which one it is. There are two paragraphs in his blog that I just have a real issue with and I can’t help myself. We have to talk about them because they’re clinically insane and it’s embarrassing ESPN hasn’t fired him already for turning their fantasy hockey into a joke run by an eight-year-old child that just learned what life expectancy was.
“Mikhail Sergachev, D, Tampa Bay Lightning: If not this season, which it may well not be, some time in the next two seasons, Sergachev will have to start taking the lead on the Bolts power play over Victor Hedman. But after the season Hedman just put up, it’s hard to envision this being the year he starts ceding looks. That said, it wouldn’t be the first time a team had two defensemen top 2.0 FPPG — but usually one of them manages the feat through accelerated blocked shots and hits. Sergachev could easily get there with a slight bump to his physical stats. But he probably needs the power-play work to truly find another level. This is his age-24 season, so he still has some time before finding his next gear.”
VIA SEAN ALLEN
Yeah, I’m just not going there buddy. If you want to start the Victor Hedman stinks campaign, I promise I will not join you on that journey. To just automatically assume Mikhail Sergachev overtakes Hedman in literally any skill set on the ice makes me question his life morals.
This is Victor Hedman we’re talking about, right? The Hedman coming off an 85-point season? The Hedman who ripped a 103 MPH shot at the All-Star game? We’re really doing this huh? Bless his heart. The stupid people really are ignorant to reality, aren’t they?
For the record, I don’t think it’s impossible Sergachev has a good fantasy season. I want part of the Lighting in any league. Plus, Ryan McDonagh is gone now too so they need to rely on Sergachev more. I just think we’re going Looney Tunes mode if we’re just going to sit here and pretend Sergachev is just some lock to replace Hedman on that first line powerplay. Wacko alert.
“Noah Hanifin, D, Calgary Flames: OK, I admit that Rasmus Andersson is heading into the same age-25 season that Hanifin is, so it’s strange to call out one over the other. But I keep coming back to the fact that if Hanifin has another level to his game, it’s going to be a much higher ceiling than what we’ve seen from Andersson. Consider that Hanifin managed six more goals than Andersson and only 12 fewer assists last season, but that Andersson played more than 200 minutes with the members of the top line on the power play, while Hanifin played fewer than 40. I’d love to see Hanifin get more opportunity as the quarterback for the Flames.”
I have a serious question for you, Sean. Are you aware of the fact that the Flames have MacKenzie Weegar now? Like you do know they acquired him, right?
Look, I get if you want to ignore say Oliver Kylington as a potential party pooper for Andersson or Hanifin. I would at least be competent enough to mention Kylington’s offensive potential as a side note regardless of whether it factored in or not. But we already know I’m better at this than Sean. My question is how do you go an entire paragraph and finish your point without mentioning Weegar? That’s embarrassing.
Weegar is one of the twenty best defensemen in the sport and it’s not arguable. Twenty is probably too low but twenty leaves no room for error. I don’t need to do the song and dance about how good Weegar is. I can make that another blog (I am planning one about how it’s embarrassing he’s being comped to Hampus Lindholm on the market).
You can’t write that whole paragraph and not mention Weegar. I want you to think about this. Can you imagine if I wrote a fantasy football blog about how Jalen Hurts is going to have a breakout season and not mention the fact that the Eagles traded for AJ Brown in the offseason? This isn’t that hard. It just explains how low the bar is for Sean Allen. Forget about hockey. This man does not know left from right.
How much are you paying this guy ESPN? Cut me a check and I’ll do your hockey rankings. At least your product won’t be embarrassing and it will be harder to dog walk the competition.
