NBA Twitter
The official rules of NBA Twitter. Ground rules need to set because Twitter is starting to become out of control. (Photo illustration/The Washington Post)

The Official Rules Of NBA Twitter

The NBA officially opens its season for a majority of the league today. Let the fun, games, and mostly nonsense begin. Right now NBA Twitter is like the wild west. There are no ground rules but god do we need them. Introducing the official rules of NBA Twitter.

Do NOT Put “NBA” In Your Twitter Handle:

How big of a LOOOOOOOOSER do you have to be to put NBA in your Twitter handle? You don’t work for the league. Does the NBA pay your salary? Does the NBA let you make decisions about the league? No… then stop being a loser.

How pathetic do you have to be to put NBA in your Twitter handle? The odds are that you know nothing about the NBA and it makes it seem like the league owns you. Are you the NBA’s personal property? LOOOOOOOOSERS!

Could you imagine if Sherry from down the street created a Twitter and named her profile after the grocery store she shops at? That’s what you look like… an old lady just trying to do some grocery shopping. The only difference is Sherry isn’t a LOOOOSER and is contributing to society.

PS: If you have NBA in your Twitter handle, there is a zero percent chance I would ever hire you.

Do NOT List “Tweets Featured On ESPN, BR, etc”

The people that list in their bio that their Tweets have been featured on ESPN, Bleacher Report, or whatever usually don’t have anything important to say. You know why? That person is telling they’re not interesting so let’s try to prove they are interesting. Go headbutt a wall or something.

Guess who doesn’t care where your Tweets are featured? The company you’re listing. We don’t care. The only thing that it makes you look like is an attention whore. It takes a hell of a lot more than that to spread my legs. Tweets featured guy can be had after a Frosty at Wendy’s. SAD.

Stop Saying “League Pass”

Guess who cares about who your League Pass team is? Absolutely nobody. Why do you think anybody cares that you spent hard working money so that you can watch the Detroit Pistons suck? Great, you saw Langston Galloway make a layup. Do you want a cookie?

Instead of spending money on League Pass why don’t you go on a date or something. Go buy new clothes instead of looking like a scrub. Oh, I forget. You spread your legs in order to watch Hassan Whiteside block a shot on a Tuesday night for Sacramento. Couldn’t be me.

Stop Pretending Like Everyone Is Watching The Game You Are

Stop Tweeting things like “Woah, nice shot, crazy, etc” Guess who knows what you’re talking about? Just the guy sitting next to you while you split a Seagram’s together. If I don’t know what the Tweet refers to after two days, don’t hit the send button. What you have to say is worthless.

Let’s start with those four rules for now and I’ll get back to you on anything else that needs to be cleaned up. The streets are running rampant and something needs to be done about it. Figure it out, people.