Thursday Night Football Should Be Illegal

I don’t really have much else to say on the matter other than what’s above. And personally, this legislation wouldn’t even benefit me because I don’t work your traditional 9-5 occupation. This is for the general population. The people who realize all too late in the week that oopsiedazies, my favorite team is playing on Thursday this week as opposed to the traditional Sunday afternoon contest. This is not a pleasant revelation to have and I’ll explain why. When your team plays on Thursday night, the second that game is over your weekend is effectively over as well. Before it even started. Win or lose, as a fan you have nothing to look forward to for the next three days. Sure, everyone has fantasy teams that they follow and a few of us degenerates might throw a few bets out there over the course of the weekend, but the fact remains that the weekend simply loses a lot of its luster if your team plays on Thursday night.

How do I know all of this? First of all, I’m not the only one who knows it. We all know it. You know it. Your brother knows it. Even your girlfriend who doesn’t watch football knows it. But on top of this, Thursday night football hasn’t been around THAT long, so like a good scientist, I needed to prove my hypothesis. I can now say with absolute certainty that watching your team play on Thursday night does, in fact, minimize your chances of having an enjoyable weekend between the months of September and February. My Super Bowl LII champion Philadelphia Eagles just played on Thursday night. They won, obviously. That’s not the point of this blog. The point is that they won and I woke up the next day NOT balls deep in a feeling of euphoria like I usually do. Sure, I woke up happy that my team won. But there was this lingering feeling of resentment for what my foreseeable future held. I looked into the future and saw no fun whatsoever. I saw the smiles of thousands of Eagles fans fade to grim frowns as they dragged their feet to work in the morning. I couldn’t stand it. Simply put, we deserved better. That future quickly turned into a reality, and it now being Monday afternoon I can indeed confirm that my weekend turned into a heaping pile of puppy poo. Nothing particularly bad even happened to me. It was just this feeling of nothingness that stuck with me ever since I awoke on Friday morning.

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Therefore, as a life-long citizen of this great nation, I am calling for legislation against the continuation of Thursday night football. Our senators should be concentrating their focus on important, nation-wide issues. This is one of them. I’m one of the lucky ones. The Eagles played on Thursday night Week 4. What if Thursday night football ruined one my weekends in November, or, God forbid December when the playoffs are right around the corner? We can’t go on like this people. It’s not the American way.

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