Vonny’s Pick Corner (still working on title) Week 5
Shit. I
Anyways, if you followed along with the blog last week, you went * checks notes * 6-2. Not bad for a post that referenced Adrian Peterson’s arrest record and telling you that you deserve to be cucked if you bet on Unders. Hot start, but we can do better. Those 2 losses lay heavy on my heart. This week I’m giving you picks so good, you’re gonna wanna parlay them all together. So call me DeVontaze Burfict, because we’re diving into these picks head-first so hard that Vegas is going to have to suspend me for the rest of the season (Alright, yeah I know the Raiders are still in Oakland, but a joke like this only comes around once in a lifetime. Do me a favor and roll with it).
Let’s go.
Favorites:
Eagles -14 @ Home vs. Jets:
Have you guys watched an Adam Gase press conference recently? Remember that first one as the Jets HC when his eyes bulged out like Mark Sanchez when a girl he’s hooking up with whispers her age into his ear? (Google it.) We as sports fans successfully bullied the confidence out of this this man to the point where he always wears a hat low over his eyes and never looks up from his microphone. Literally every press conference now. Couldn’t be my head coach. Eagles by a million.
Titans -2 ½ @ Home vs. Bills:
The Bills lost it. You’re telling me the Bills had a wedding at halftime and not a single piece of drug/sex paraphernalia was thrown at the bride? You’re telling me not one completely nude extremely obese man huffed and puffed his way across the field and planted a kiss on whoever was closer, bride or groom? You’re telling me the groom didn’t
Dawgs:
Browns +3 ½ @ Niners:
Don’t ask me how, but I have a strong feeling that Jimmy G’s handsomeness is going to cost them this game. You can’t be super tan, an absolute man-rocket, and also an undefeated QB. You can’t have it all, Jim. Take it from a guy who has none of it. Sprinkle a little on the Browns Moneyline.
Packers +3 ½ @ Cowboys:
Last weekend, lined up on their own 45 with 2 seconds left in the 4th quarter, Dak Prescott took the snap, took like a 6 step drop-back, loaded up, and launched a ball with all of his might for it to only go 45 yards, not to mention the interception. That’s the guy who wants $140 mil a year. Feel like this could end up being a good metaphor for their season once Week 16 rolls around. Aaron Rodgers exposes this Cowboys team like his brother when he tweeted that Aaron didn’t care about his mother being on fire.
Redskins +16 @ Home vs. Patriots:
Listen. Hear me out. Think about it… A pick so bad it’s good, right? Redskins Head Coach Jay Gruden came out yesterday saying they have no plan for their QB situation. And I mean, like, they can’t actually be THAT stupid, right? Between this story and also them being the second shittiest team in the league playing against the defending Super Bowl Champs, this has the makings of a perfect trap game. Who knows, the Redskins are so bad at strategy they might win outright because they can’t even tank correctly. Just think about it and get back to me.
Giants +5 ½ @ Home vs. Vikings:
Has anybody made a joke about Daniel Jones combining his nickname “Dimes” with the fact that he looks like he would pay $25 for a dimebag? If not, please don’t take it, I want to be the first. Also, Adam Thielen’s comments after losing to Chase Daniel on Sunday is going to cause the Vikings to pass more on Sunday, which would be a decent strategy if their QB wasn’t Kirk Cousins.
Overs:
Honestly, guys, not a great Overs week. Out of this week’s slate, only picks I truly like are Chiefs/Colts o56 ½ and Rams/Seahawks o49 ½.
Unders:
Alright, but just because it’s not a great Overs week doesn’t make it a great Unders week. I see you. Peeking at those Unders lines, flirting with them a bit. Maybe thinking to yourself “nobody has to know, I’ll do it just this once.” Clicking on it on your betting app, maybe typing it out to your bookie, you know, just to see what it feels like. But you feel bad, don’t you? Feels dirty, doesn’t it? Risking the sanctity of the game just to win a couple bucks, you sick fuck? Secretly praying to yourself that nobody scores during a game that other people are watching, you self-indulgent hog? Go ahead, bet that under. Just know that one day, you’ll slip up. One day, at the bar with your buddies, you’re gonna gasp out a small “fuck” after a touchdown. You’ll think nobody heard it, but it was louder than you thought. Thus, beginning your new life path of no friends and being the cuckold to every woman/man/other that you love. So before you place that bet, think. Think long and hard. Think about everything in your life that has happened to that point; are you willing to risk it for a little cash? I think we already know the answer.
Story time with Uncle Von:
Last week, I ended my first post with a movie review of Ocean’s Eleven. Every week from here on out, I’m gonna end the post with either another movie review or a little story from the old memory bank. This week’s story comes from an encounter with some lunatic at my gym. Enjoy.
Around a year ago, I moved from PA to Denver, CO and joined a warehouse/garage gym outside the city. The gym is literally a warehouse: you go inside through a door next to a truck port with a massive garage door. Nothing but free-weights, beat to shit equipment, and some strongman/powerlifting equipment, all open 24 hours a day. I love it. Except for one thing.
Being a loser, I usually find myself going to the gym later in the evening on weekends, usually aiming to be the only person there. It’s nice, cause they have an aux and if you’re the only one or people are there and nobody is using it, you can throw your phone on and play whatever you want. Well, usually I end up not alone, and end up with this dude. Guy is probably 6’1”, 250 lbs., wears the same black hoodie and sweats every night, and also is an absolute fucking psychopath. My first memory with this guy I was packing up my bag to go home when he walks in. I give him the “sup” head-nod; he stares into my soul for a second and walks away. Okay, pal. So I walk to the changing room next to the stereo and the second the door closes, I hear him start to walk over and fuck around with the aux. Then “music” starts playing. I don’t know, bro. Only way I can describe it is “Didgeridoo Death Metal.” You know, that weird “wahwahwahwahwahhh” instrument Australians play? That, plus ceremonial drums pounding in the background and a sprinkle of creepy monk chanting on top. It could be a movie soundtrack, but my first thought was “fuck, am I about to be sacrificially slaughtered?” Long story short, I dip out quick and wasn’t scalped or anything.
Around a month later, I have gotten used to him being around. I just go, do my thing, he does his, and everything is cool. But one day, my girlfriend and I go, he’s there, and also these 2 douchebags lifting and yelling at each other with their shirts off. So crazy dude was using a squat rack and he walked away for a second, and the 2 losers go over to the rack and start doing pull-ups and slapping each other’s abs, you know, just some cool guy stuff. Well crazy guy is not happy about this and runs over and they start yelling. Pulled one of my headphones out to try to listen, but the gym echoes pretty loud so I couldn’t make anything out. Their fight ends with the 2 dudes putting their shirts on and leaving.
I go back to my workout, finish my set of what I’m turning and guess who’s behind me? Take out my headphones and ask him what’s up. He asks me if I know those guys and I tell him I don’t. He then accuses me of lying, saying I told them to come here. So I told him again I don’t know who the hell those guys are. And then he just keeps repeating himself, saying “This doesn’t make sense.” I tried to diffuse the situation by extending my hand and introducing myself. He stares at my hand for a second then just stares me in the eyes. Sick. So my girlfriend, who sees this guy being pretty confrontational with me, runs over to also try to diffuse it. She introduces herself (shoutout my lovely girlfriend Caitlin “Fish” Fisher) and she then asks him for his name. We got a name, but he’s either really Russian, which I doubt, or gave a fake name with literally no syllables in it. Then asks us why we go to the gym and we gave him the answer we thought would be obvious: to workout. Not a good enough reason, evidently. Says something isn’t right about us, that our faces change every night. Can positively confirm that neither my or Fish’s face changes at all, let alone on a daily schedule. The interrogation continues by him asking where we’re from, and we answer: PA and NJ. His answer? “No you’re not.”… Yeah, we are? And then, like an idiot, I pull out my ID and hand it to him like a bouncer. He snatches it from my hand, looks at it, looks back at me, back at it, back at me. He says he doesn’t believe it, that he was just in PA and NJ a few weeks ago…
SICK. NOW HE THINKS WE’RE FOLLOWING HIM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
This talk goes around in circles for awhile, he mentioned a few conspiracy theories and shit like “Synchronicity” or whatever, and eventually we get it to die down enough so we can dip and soak in what just happened.
We saw him a few times after, nothing notable happened except once he told me to leave the gym because he “has to get intense” and I told him nah, sorry bud, I’m not leaving the gym I pay to be at. Told him to do what he needs to do. He did, screaming through his entire workout. That was the last I saw him. Evidently, he was kicked out by the owner for acting this way towards multiple people. A buddy of mine texted me saying his ex was alone with a friend at the gym and that he showed, started banging on the door, screaming at her to let him in. They called the cops and evidently he dipped before they came.
And folks, to sum it up, always remember that your mental health is important. Take care of yourself, get proper treatment, and take the steps necessary to keep you happy and healthy. And if you can’t do that, don’t make it worse by loading yourself up with enough steroids to kill an elephant.
Thanks for reading, guys, and see you next week for more picks.
