The Top 10 Athletes I Want To Party With
So we have actually done this post before. Unfortunately, the guy that did the post is no longer with us (he didn’t die or anything he just left the company). For that reason, I, Chad Gregory Bauman (the resident borderline alcoholic of the group), bring you, the top 10 athletes I want to party with.
Disclaimer, some of my athletes will match with what was previously said by Baker. What can I say? Drunk minds think alike. That being said, I did create my list before I went back and reviewed his. Also, shut the fuck up and enjoy the fruit of my personal demons.
10. Cristiano Ronaldo
Not going to lie, like baseball, I know precisely dick about soccer (or futball as our friends across the pond like to say). But, I do know the big-names because of social media.
There is probably not a bigger name in soccer than this fuck.
He makes the list for one reason and one reason only. You know that one friend you call and say, “yo, party at my house. Bring some bitches.” Ronaldo fills that spot on this list (I’m not saying bitches to disparage women. I’m just trying to keep it a bean). This rich, and let’s be honest pretty-ass, fucker probably has to beat the women off himself with a stick.
9. Travis Kelce
This dude Travis? He might be white but, the hood loves him (and to be fair he loves the hood to the point you have to question if he doesn’t have a little chocolate in his milk).
I’m not much of a club guy, but I could see a night in the club if it’s with this man. Bottle service and woman everywhere (he’s another pretty one). He’s the one on the list that is pure finesse. It’s not a hard party. It’s still a fun party.
8. Joe Namath
Not much to say here. Broadway Joe. He’s the original playboy quarterback. When you think about that pretty boy All-American QB stereotype, it started right here.
Given the chance, it would be easy to jump into the time machine and party in 1960’s New York with Joe.
7. Baker Mayfield
I fuck with Baker Mayfield. Like Travis Kelce before him, he might be white but the hood loves him.
Baker might not be the greatest QB of all time but he has swagger. I’ve been in love with this dude (pause) since he did this:
Those two clips say more than I could ever hope to articulate with words. I wish all quarterbacks came prepackaged with the same fuck you mentality.
6. David Bakhtiari
Already told you, I am not a club guy. Find me the most dive-est (yes I made up a word for the purposes of this post) bar you can and I’m home. This dude gets it.
A couple of shotguns in the parking lot, and maybe we scrap with some randos before the night’s over.
Shots and chugs all night. It’s going to be a memorable night. Even if we don’t remember all of it.
5. Tom Brady (Tampa Tom)
This one actually inspired me to write this post. Tampa Tom is a different beast than New England Tom.
Sure, New England had unprecedented success with some random sixth-round pick but, this Tampa Super Bowl parade paints us a picture.
The dude won six Super Bowls in New England. We never saw him turn up like he did in Tampa. He finally cut loose. Everyone has their go-to old head at the bar.
You know the guy I’m talking about. Usually, he’s the twice-divorced guy in the corner of the bar drinking PBR. Tampa Tom is our old head.
4. J.R. Smith
If you told me that J.R. Smith lived in the club, I would not be surprised. I feel like his whole life is a party.
Not a lot to say here. Spend the weekend with J.R. and you’d be lucky to remember three hours.
His name is almost synonymous with partying. He somehow managed to live a hard-partying lifestyle while playing in New England.
Think about that for a second. This guy was the life of the party while he played for Bill Belichick. The guy that kept Tom Brady (the greatest QB of all time) in the no-fun zone.
Gronk is the OG goon. If you start partying with him on Friday at 6:30 pm EST your last memory is from 6:35 pm. Photographs are the only proof you have from the best weekend of your life.
3. Jason Kelce
“It’s the whole team. It’s the whole Team”
I’m going to spend some time here. Maybe, it’s because by the time it has got to this point of the article, I’m drunk. Maybe, it’s because I’ve watched the above video for the last hour, and I have been caught in a strange combo of tears and goosebumps. I’m in a weird place right now.
Jason Kelce gave the greatest speech to an NFL franchise in the history of man. I have watched the above clip at least 13 times, in a row, and I’m still ready to run through a brick-fucking-wall.
I was at the art museum when he gave this speech. My friends and I were in spitting distance from the team.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. That might be the reason why this speech is making me cry and have goosebumps at the same time.
Everything I said about David Bakhtiari is multiplied by 100. Jason and I are definitely scrapping with some randoms in the parking lot before the night ends but, the liquor hits perfectly. It’s a night to remember. I’m inspired to drink better than I have before.
2. Dennis Rodman
My man Dennis can party with the best of them. In his prime, he tore up Las Vegas mid-season for a couple of weeks and still came back to help the Bulls win a chip. That has to be some kind of an NBA record.
They had to take the team jet to go retrieve him from under a pile of hookers and blow.
Y’all saw The Last Dance. You know the destructive power this man holds. With great party ability comes great responsibility.
Before I give you the best of the top 10 athletes I want to party with a few honorable mentions. These guys just barely missed out on making my list of the top 10 athletes I want to party with.
The dude is sober now (congrats to him on finding his peace). He battled his demons and seems to have come out on the other side with a plus. Hopefully, he stays right. Can’t lie though, his party days are the stuff of legend.
Back in the day, you could rightfully assume Iron Mike was crazy. Now, he’s still just as wild, but he’s turning into the skid and it seems to be working for him. You’ve seen the Hangover movies. Mike has embraced the legal marijuana movement too. Sign me up to smoke a bowl with the champ.
1. Wilt Chamberlain
Wilt was the fucking man. No, I mean that literally, he was the fucking man. Wilt claims to have banged 20,000 different women in his life.
Basically all he did was dunk balls. On and off the court.
Also, he apparently killed a mountain lion with his bare hands.
A night out with Wilt would probably be the single greatest night of your whole life. Like, imagine 100 bachelor parties rolled into one night. You might die, but you’ll at least go out with a bang (see what I did there). That’s why he is at the top of The Top 10 Athletes I want to party with.
There you have it. The top 10 athletes I want to party with. Is there anyone I left off the list? Do you agree with my top 10? Get in my mentions on Twitter. Let me know who your top 10 are. But, remember, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, JABRONI.