No, this isn’t a breaking news story, so sorry to waste your time.

I had the misfortune of watching ESPN’s First Take this week while I had some time off. Normally I’m in rush hour traffic while this buffoonery is going on but because I had some time off I figured what’s the worst that can happen? Immediately, I wished I was sitting back in rush hour traffic. Something I never thought I’d say – ever.

First Take at its core is barely watchable. The show’s headliners Max Kellerman and Stephen A Smith loosely “debate” stupid variations of the same topic every day while stumbling over their own illogical arguments and opinions. This time was different though. Stephen A and Max were out of town, giving new analysts Dominique Foxworth and Ryan Hollins their opportunity to shine in the spotlight.

There’s no arguing that First Take has been a stepping stone for many of ESPN’s bigger names to launch their own brands. Jay Crawford, Cari Champion, and Will Cain are a few notable names that come to mind. The show has a huge fanbase so it’s relatively easy to get your name out there with a few guest appearances and controversial opinions. The number of viewers is probably even larger now that Get Up has been deemed a dumpster fire. However, many new analysts and bloviating idiots (Rob Parker) take advantage of this, and the results are usually horrifying for everyone involved. If you think Will Cain is bad, Ryan Hollins is pulling the good old fashioned “hold my beer.”

That’s Some Cheese – Episode 19 – 4.6.18

Ryan Hollins is ESPN’s newest installment of stupid who has been gracing television screens with his obnoxious presence for a little over six months now. The former NBA benchwarmer or “journeyman” has used his newfound spotlight to ramble off some of the most egregious and ridiculous statements I’ve ever heard in a one hour span. I’m not sure if Hollins is trying to become the embodiment of every annoying TV personality ever but he’s definitely checking most of the boxes. He wears suits that Steve Harvey would burn, constantly interrupts other guests without the charisma or knowledge of Stephen A Smith, and flat out doesn’t know a damn thing about basketball. Before we dive into the video evidence, I just want to remind readers that Hollins played for nine teams in thirteen seasons and averaged an underwhelming 3.7 PPG and 2 rebounds.

Ryan Hollins thinks Marcin Gortat is better than Dwight Howard

Someone get Ryan Hollins (@TheRyanHollins) Out of Here Please. This Man out here saying that Dwight Howard is not better than Marcin “Mud Feet” Gortat… He Def hasnt watched any Wizard games over the past 2 years. 🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/foZULRCZ0o

— DomoRowe (@DomoRowe) July 4, 2018

Hollins displays every cringeworthy trait I described above within just one minute of being on camera. First and foremost, that prom night suit speaks for itself. Second, instead of acknowledging Foxworth’s point about how stats play a role in how analysts rank players, he simply responds with “you’re dangerously wrong about basketball.” After yelling over everyone for the entire segment he finally comes to the conclusion that the addition of future Hall of Famer Dwight Howard is not an upgrade over Marcin Gortat.

Ryan Hollins: You can’t be considered “great” if you don’t win a ring.

I could post more videos and write another 500 words, but I think you guys get the point. Some other notable opinions from Hollins include Paul George is a better player than Kawhi Leonard and Laker’s President Magic Johnson is just a “puppet” with absolutely no pull within the organization. I’ll leave you with this final point. If Barkley, Stockton, Malone, and Nash are just considered “good”, what does that make Ryan Hollins? It makes him an inspiration to millions everywhere trying to follow their dreams. If Hollins still has a job as an NBA analyst after this nonsense, then anything is possible.

SHOP VENDETTA MERCHANDISE HERE!