Messi has signed with Luton Town
Photo: Manu Fernandez/Associated Press

The following is satire. Should you not have a sense of humor please stop reading now… Lionel Messi has signed with Luton Town. Yes you read that right. Lionel Messi has signed with Luton Town. Messi, who declared his desire to leave Barcelona, has agreed terms to become a Luton Town player next season. Luton swooped quickly to tie the Argentinian international down to a twenty-year contract at a minimum wage of £8.72 an hour.

Speaking on the deal Luton CEO Gary Sweet said “He’s a fantastic player and worth every penny. I mean we’ll have to take out a loan to cover his wages, £8.72 is a lot for a club like Luton, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for the young man to play at a club of our stature so we had to make it work.” When pushed into the length of the contract and if he’s worried it could age badly Sweet told Vendetta Sports “Look, he’s 33 years old now, so I understand people being wary of keeping him until he’s 53 years old. But let’s face it, even at that age he’ll still be our best player by a country mile.” Sweet has done a number of great things for the club but the signing of Messi may top them all.

Manager Nathan Jones, who flew to Barcelona personally in an effort to secure the player’s signature, spoke about how it all came about, “Listen he’s a fantastic player and it was just about finding some common ground. Once he got over the shock of how I got into his house he was very open to the move. We sat and prayed and that’s when I injected the horse tranquilizer. By the time he’d woke up we were back in Luton and the contract was signed.”

As news of the signing broke, Luton fans took to the streets all over England to celebrate. Nick, from Portsmouth, called the deal “the greatest day of my life” and “even better than those trips to the Alps”. He also purchased a replica wig of Messi’s hair, which you can buy now from the club shop, or at least that’s what he told us.

Messi is likely to start as a backup for Harry Cornick but Jones emphasized he doesn’t have substitutes he has game-changers. “Listen, Leo knows he’s not in the same class as Harry, but he can get there if he really tries. Harry’s going to work with him in training to improve his finishing and Leo can only get better from playing with players like that.”

When finally reached for comment Lionel Messi seemed groggy and could only mutter “What is a Lujan?” but Nathan Jones quickly translated for us. “He said I love it here at Luton. Dream come true.”

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