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Dear Alex Morgan

Alex Morgan
Alex Morgan, striker for the USWNT (Cooper Neill/Getty Images)

Dear Alex Morgan,

My name is Chad you don’t know me, and to be honest you probably never will, but I have to tell you something. Alex, I am smitten with you.

I know that you are married (heartbroken by that but congrats) so this isn’t an attempt to wreck your marriage or anything but consider this my resume if in the future you ever find yourself single and ready to mingle. Also to be clear, I’m not rooting for your marriage to fail but I’d be crazy not to shoot my shot if such an opportunity were to present itself. As a great man once quoted, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretsky”

– Michael Scott

Now Alex, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “what qualifies you to be with me?” I can admit you are way out of my league (pun intended).

I’m a hard 6.5, maybe a 6.8 on my best day, and you are at worst a 12 out of 10. Although I don’t have what it takes to cover the spread in the appearance department, I earn points in other areas.

First of all, I am 100% ready to be the consolation prize husband that you are too good for. I’m talking breakfast in bed before your morning workout (which I’m only assuming you do since you are one of the greatest athletes in the world, I’m not a stalker so I don’t know for sure). Bagged lunches prepared for you every day complete with notes for encouragement throughout the day. House cleaned and dinner ready and on the table every night by the time you get home.

I’m also a winner. Of course, I don’t have the same championship pedigree as you, but you’re talking to a cat with 17 career varsity pins in high school and 2 of my 3 collegiate wins were by pin.

Also, not to brag or anything but, I’m one of the few people you’ll meet that can say that they’ve dropped kicked someone. If you need references Trey Daubert was there.

I’m a grade A tryer. I always give 110% effort and for you, I could swing 150% (infer from this what you please).

Now I’ve never been much of a fan of soccer but Alex I will be in the front row for every single one of your games.

Finally, Alex, you should know that I am down to get drunk at Disney world whenever you are.

So please keep this resume on file. If you ever find yourself in need of a new man let me know. Give me a call, hit my in box, send me a carrier pigeon I don’t care how just hit me up. You deserve better but if you’re willing to settle, I’m saying hey.

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