Croissants Suck; Change My Mind
There will be two groups of people when it comes to this blog; the ones who agree with me and those who lie to themselves. Croissants suck and you know it. Better yet, I dare someone to change my mind. Croissants are a trash style of bread and it needs to be talked about.
Can you be honest with yourself? When is the last time you actively went hunting for a croissant? How many times in the past year can you say you have eaten a croissant? Unless you’re a pumpkin spice late’ simpleton eating Dunkin’ every day, (in that case be better) the over / under for croissants eaten in a year is definitely less than five.
If you’re ordering a breakfast sandwich, don’t sit here and tell me you choose a croissant. Nobody picks croissants. If given the choice to customize a breakfast sandwich order, you’re choosing bagel, toast, kaiser roll, English muffin, etc over croissant ten times out of ten.
At this point, I’m convinced the person that created this trash bread watched the France International, soccer team. The person noticed how ridiculous some of the flopping was and starting calling them flakes. Then decided, hey, why not try to make a flaky bread? At least it will have more dignity than the floppers in the French version of soccer!
Turns out the bread genius was wrong. The soccer team is awesome and the bread stinks. The losers that take a dive have more self-pride than this trash bread creation. What exactly is good about a croissant? Half the time the top is hard as a rock and the rest of it is just making a mess with crumbs everywhere. Not saying I can’t do crumbs but not when I can just have better options anyway.
It’s almost like the universe is playing some kind of sick joke on us. America gave France tobacco for cigarettes and we get this trash bread. May the strong survive! Screw the humans! Make the Americans eat the trash bread to make them fatter while the French need to start ingesting cancer in their lungs. Everybody dies! It’s a tough time for all of us out there right now and I don’t need trash bread in my life.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be open-minded to trying a croissant in France. I feel very confident in saying that nobody what it does, it won’t beat an English muffin. The worst English muffin in the world is better than whatever they have in France. That’s coming from an Italian American male who could have just used a random piece of bread from Carraba’s that has the olive oil and herbs on it. That piece of bread probably ranks in the 18th percentile of Italian bread and it’s still better than any croissant that exists.
Can someone else just acknowledge that at minimum, croissants are overrated? Nobody is actively ordering those unless you somehow got one with your grocery store Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich. When doing a hierarchy of bread types, croissants are in the basement.
