Soccer Awards

Every sport has renowned awards that are given to the best athletes. For soccer, it ranges from the Golden Boot to Player of the Year. But don’t you wish that they’d be a little funnier? I have created a list of 10 soccer awards that should be implemented for some fan laughter.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to throw any particular players under the bus for these funny awards. They’re not meant to be offensive. However, there are a couple of times I throw some shade in their direction for how they play.

Flopper of the Year

I think that everyone can agree that there are some unnecessary times where players flop. It makes sense that they want the foul, but I didn’t realize that it required acting. There are the famous jokes of soccer players getting hit in the arm, then reaching down to caress their “hurting” leg.

It’s fine trying to get the call, but don’t be over the top with it. Also, if your team is playing the advantage, get up, and help your team instead of laying there like a fish on land.

I will leave my favorite compilation of sport flopping here. Enjoy.

Twinkle Toes

This one isn’t insulting. I borrowed this particular award name from Avatar the Last Airbender, which makes sense if you’ve watched the show. 

This award should be given to the player who was able to dribble their way past anything. Or just light on their feet in general.

A great example of who to give this award to would be Lionel Messi. He’s played for years and somehow still surprises people with his ability to play.

I Thought This Was Hockey

Hockey could be seen as the opposite sport from soccer if we only look at the physical contact made. Arguably, football would also be a high competitor for that.

In soccer, there is physical contact, but there are a lot of plays that count as a foul. If you master it well, hip checking becomes your best friend. But overall, you can’t make much contact without it being called. As far as hockey goes, they are constantly slamming into the boards and getting into fistfights. And as long as the fouls aren’t horrible or breaking the rules, they are allowed to body check.

So, I think this particular award should go to the player that had the nastiest foul of the year. This includes fouls that the players got away with or ones so bad they were called on it.

I’m not sure if this is one that the players would want to get. Personally, I would’ve been really happy to win this award.

Best Celebration

This is another one that isn’t insulting to the players. If this was implemented, they would have to do individual and team celebrations.

For individual ones, it would have to closely resemble the regular guitar style slide on the ground. The one that Geico used for the funny commercial last year. Or it could resemble Cristiano Ronaldo’s, where it looks like he’s opening French doors. His celebration was forever ruined for me, and now it is for you too. Try watching him celebrate now without thinking of him opening a closet with French doors.

Team celebrations could be like pretend bowling. Some players could pretend to be bowling pins and “get hit with the bowling ball”. This would be awesome. The celebrations would get a lot more entertaining.

The Other Football

This one is for all of the players who miss the goal by a million miles. I feel like every soccer player has done this at least once.

A good example of this is Gonzalo Higuain missing in the 2014 World Cup. He had several mess ups in that game. One of them being the penalty shot. Now I made that particular mistake during a penalty kick. I didn’t lean over the ball and made a field goal instead. However, I was 11. Higuain is a professional soccer player and missed that bad.

So, this can go to any player who made a field goal instead of a soccer goal.

Maradona 2.0

This award is about a particular player named above during a World Cup game. The award would be given to the player who had the most obvious handball of the year.

It is one thing to do it by accident, but a completely separate argument when it’s obviously on purpose. This may be one of the rare times that VAR would be helpful.

Also, if you are still confused about why it’s named Maradona 2.0, here’s the video to help.

What’s Offsides?

There are some instances where they are so offsides you wonder if the player ever learned what that rule is. I know that this rule seems to be particularly hard for some people to understand. But as a professional, they should try harder to show they know what it is.

Therefore, this award is going to go to the player that was horribly offsides during a play.

If you want to find a funny way to explain offsides to someone, you should watch Bend it Like Beckham.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Field, Who is the Biggest Narcists of All?

Most soccer players are humble and love their fans. But there are some instances where you can see that their fame got the best of them.

Sometimes they even make statues of themselves. Those same people also make museums about them.

If you still don’t know who I’m talking about, it’s Cristiano Ronaldo. I think he would win this award almost every year. The first statue of his face better resembled his personality than the newest one did.

Han Solo and Chewbacca

Alright, this is a good award to win. After so many insulting ones, this would be a good time to bring this one up.

This award would go to the best soccer duo on the field. This would shed light on the people who are team players.

There are so many times where people get tunnel vision in their success. If there was a positive reinforcement to reward teamwork, it would bring so much positivity to the game.

Should’ve Chosen a Different Career

Now that I did a nice award, I’d like to end on probably the most insulting one of all. This one can be given to the player who did just horribly that season.

We all have our bad days, maybe even seasons. I don’t think that this should be voted on by the clubs or leagues, but rather the fans. If fans could choose who received the awards that would be such fun. It would probably get more people to participate in soccer.

This one might encourage players to not play horribly and keep improving on their skills.

Again, this was not a way for me to throw shade at players, but rather a way to have some fun. Even though the league would never implement these soccer awards, the fans should be able to vote on every year anyways.