2018 CFP Teams’ Political Equivalent

2018 CFP Teams’ Political Equivalent

2018 CFP Teams and their Political Equivalent. What could go wrong here?  Sports and politics go together like peanut butter and more peanut butter. So let’s call a spade a spade and find out which politician best personifies the teams selected for the 2018 College Football Playoff.

Clemson Tigers

Offensively, Clemson had no real threat this year.  Name somebody on Clemson’s offense other than that quarterback that replaced DeShaun Watson and that Wes Welker wannabe receiver.  I’ll wait.  There was nothing scary about Clemson at all.  They supposedly had a good defense (tell that to Syracuse), but even they couldn’t stop the offensive juggernaut known as Jalen Hurts, who got benched the subsequent game for some true freshman who was able to throw a touchdown pass whilst intending to throw the ball to a completely different receiver (note: the ball was not deflected).  There was absolutely nothing to fear about Clemson this year.  They were good.  But not that good.  So who is their political equivalent?  The bad boy of the Republican Party: Jeb Bush.  He wants to be intimidating.  He talks sternly.  I heard he even smoked marijuana once.  But is anybody scared of Jeb Bush?  His name is Jeb… Take away his family name, and there is absolutely nothing intimidating about him.  He’s a puppy with a loud bark. No bite.  So was Clemson.

Oklahoma Sooners

Maybe one of the greatest offenses in the history of college football. Led by a never-back-down, loud-mouthed quarterback, Oklahoma was explosive. What need is there to be defensive when you can score just about whenever you want?  Loud, brash, and highly offensive, Oklahoma is Donald Trump. The biggest difference, however, is Oklahoma was more interested in grabbing their own crotch instead of others.

Georgia Bulldogs

What a great year. Maybe the best all-around team in college football this year. A lot of Georgia fans were thinking this was finally the year that they would win it all.  They had gotten rid of Mark Richt and now had a coach that could get them over the hump because he learned from the best.  But it was not meant to be. They just can’t seem to win the big one. Anyone come to mind who just couldn’t win the big one?  That’s right.  Everyone’s favorite step-grandma, Hillary Clinton. It was supposed to be their time. Everyone had anointed them.  They were ahead the whole time.  But they just. Couldn’t. Hang. On.

Alabama Crimson Tide

Nick Saban is a true football tactician.  He does not make mistakes.  His opponents make mistakes.  Some call him conservative, but that would imply he is unwilling to change or try something new.  He is just lulling you to sleep so he can pounce.  Is it conservative to call an on-side kick in a National Championship game?  Or pull your two-year starting quarterback, who led you to his second consecutive National Championship, for a true freshman that has not played at all during the year?  That’s not conservative.  That’s tact.  That’s waiting for the right time to strike.  That’s General Mike “Mad Dog” Mattis.  Highly intense.  Here to wear you down until you make a mistake.  Nothing keeps Alabama or the General awake at night, for they are the nightmare for the opposition.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. UCF: Who doesn’t love an underdog? Probably would have won the whole thing if the establishment had not kept them down. UCF is Bernie Sanders.  The saddest part is they probably won’t be around for a second chance.
2. Wisconsin: Big, slow, and filled with dairy. Wisconsin is Chris Christie.
3. Penn State: Anthony Wiener.