David Culley
The Houston Texans have found their next head coach hiring Ravens assistant David Culley. WHO? Yeah, I’m not sure either. (Julio Cortez/Associated Press)

The Houston Texans were the last team without a head coach and today they found their guy. Ravens assistant and wide receiver coach David Culley will become the new Texans head coach. No, you didn’t read that wrong. Culley fills the last remaining head coaching opening.

Ian Rapoport was the first to report the news:

To be clear, I’m a Ravens fan and I had no idea who David Culley was an hour ago. Never heard the word Culley uttered before in my life and I’ve been to numerous games at M&T Stadium. The Texans didn’t hire Wink Martindale or Greg Roman. It’s… David Jingle Heimer Schmidt Culley. Yes, that guy.

The NFL installed a new rule where minority assistants will net teams two third round comp picks when teams hire them as head coaches. In a wild turn of events, a no name assistant nets Baltimore two third round picks. Does the entire city of Baltimore have permission to throw a part during corona? It’s justified at this point.

The Texans job is a suicide mission so you knew the guy getting the job wouldn’t be a big name. Hell, even Matt Eberflus straight up refused to interview. Culley gets the Texans job after not calling plays for Baltimore this year. To be honest, I’m not sure what the guy does because John Harbaugh is really the CEO of the organization.

Pray for Deshaun Watson. It’s no secret why Watson wants out. I’m sure this news won’t change his mind. Regardless of what happens, Culley enters a 4-12 team that doesn’t have a first or second round pick. Good luck!