Onesies
Singer Karol G and Rapper Anuel AA wearing Lilo and Stitch onesies. Photo from Instagram.

Sex sells. Now, I am not here to sell you anything, per se, but I am here to tell you something you should already know. Onesies are sexy and you need to jump on this train.

Valentine’s Day is coming up people. You want to get your boo in the mood for some sweet, sweet lovin’? Better onesie up, son (or daughter, owning your sexuality isn’t exclusive to men).

Statistics

Recently I used the power that I wield over the site’s social media account to take a poll. Asking you, yes you, the viewer how they feel about the sex appeal of onesies.

A cursory glance at this survey would tell you that onesies are not sexy. To fully understand what’s going on you have to take the deep dive.

Fifty percent of people say the onesie is not sexy. Of those 11 people, however, two are virgins. How can someone inexperienced in the carnal arts truly appreciate (or even understand) the sex appeal of the onesie?

So now we’re talking 41 percent against 32 percent. Wrong. Thirty-one percent know the real deal about onesies, and although the other 18 percent might be the biggest lying liers from Lieville, they still know enough to lie and say onesies are sexy.

So in reality we’re talking 50 percent pro onesie and 41 percent against. Plus, to be honest, once the virgins get laid they’re gonna know what’s up.

If You Know You Know

I want to leave you with one final thought. What gives the onesie its true sex appeal is its design.

Think about it, when it’s time to make the donuts, do you want to be caught up in undoing clasps trying to take off a bunch of clothes? Hell no. It’s hard enough to put the condom on at go time (especially if you’ve been drinking). No one needs to figure out a jigsaw puzzle to put one in the books.

With onesies, you are one zipper away from foreplay. Don’t even get me started on butt flaps.

In Conclusion

This Valentine’s Day, don’t get caught up in the Victoria Secret catalogue. Get the true definition of sexy. Get you a onesie baby girl (or boy, no judgment here). Trust me, best sex you ever had guaranteed or my feet aren’t different sizes.

You took my advice and want to tell me about the results? Didn’t listen and had terrible sex? Had sex for the first time and want to way in on the validity of the onesie as a sex symbol? Hit me on Twitter but remember, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK JABRONI.

Looking for other ways to sex it up this Valentine’s Day? Get you a Vendetta shirt.