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Ali Wong
(Presley Ann/Getty Images for The Hollywood Reporter)

Hi, Ali Wong. Will You Go Out On A Date With Me?

Ali Wong
Hi, Ali Wong. Will you go out on a date with me? I’m not a homewrecker, but I love a good challenge which has been prompted by Wong’s new stand-up comedy ‘Don Wong’. (Presley Ann/Getty Images for The Hollywood Reporter)

Hi, Ali Wong. Will You Go Out On A Date With Me?

If you haven’t seen the new stand-up special by Ali Wong, go watch it. Wong’s newest stand-up ‘Don Wong’ is hilarious. Love me, hate me, I don’t care. I’m always going to tell it like it is. That’s just who I am. This shit is hilarious. Michael Che? Get that guy out of my face.

Wong’s new stand-up special revolves around her urge to cheat on her husband. Wong basically admits that she hasn’t cheated on her husband yet only because most of the fan dick she has encountered came straight out of a scary movie script. I’m not usually a homewrecker, but I do love a good challenge. So I’m here shooting my shot asking Ali out on a date.

For the record, this can be any kind of date. I’m even down with one of those metaphorical dates where we see each other in our dreams and pretend we don’t know each other. We can take this at whatever speed you want. This is your world, Ali. I’m just living in it. I’m just hopeful you take a chance on me because maybe the only thing I’m missing in life to take me over the top is the ability to shoot rockets on the face of a millionaire.

Reasons To Invest In Trey:

1: Buy Low, Sell High

Ali mentions during one of the segments of that stand-up that she’s scared to leave her husband because she can’t allow him to buy low and sell high. She got married when she was broke with her comic career standing on shaky footing.

I’m in a pretty similar spot. If I were a stock, I’m a really good one to buy. I might be broke but I own a rising sports media company. We even have a government contract. My net worth is a lot higher than the number my bank account says.

Think about all the publicity you could get from this, Ali. One date with Trey could change your legacy. You could be known as the girl that sold high on Trey. Everything is going digital and virtual post-pandemic so a content machine like this one is going to be very valuable soon. I just need someone to believe in me like your husband did with you.

2: Your Thoughts & Feelings Are Valid

Humans weren’t built to be monogamous. We are living, breathing things just like a dog, cat, or bear in the woods. Sometimes we gotta get our fuck on even if it’s under unsatisfactory conditions. I did a girl named Ingrid once and she was exactly as her name sounds. AWFUL. But hey, it’s all part of the exploration of finding yourself and learning from your mistakes.

The most important thing to do in life is to be yourself. If you want to run a train with a side piece as part of your next journey in life, I say go for it. Your thoughts and feelings are valid because you are smart.

3: I Got It A Little

You’re right, Ali. It is slim pickings out there. Men suck. I could never be gay for the sole purpose that men are gross, disgusting, and bring almost nothing to the table. I’m embarrassed for most of the male species.

I’m not perfect. I’m only 5-foot-8 and need hair plugs sooner rather than later. I also am a little crazy but that can’t be held against me. I’m too smart for my own good. Plus I have to be a little psychotic to be into you. Your words, not mine.

On the positive, I do got it a little. I genuinely work out. I’m in training mode to be the best version of me. I got the abs, pecs, monster arms. From the neck down, you’re working with about as good as it gets.

4: I Aim To Please

I totally understand the risk of cheating from your perspective. You’re not throwing your husband away for some side dick that makes folding clothes sound preferable 12 minutes in. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I pride myself on being a performer. I aim to please. I also was a dance minor in college if that means anything. Maybe I didn’t always know what I’m doing but I have a strong work ethic and strived to become a performer. I could point you in the right direction with some ladies that would be thrilled to give me a positive GDR.

You’re being taken care of first before I get taken care of. I’m like a sprinkler that’s scheduled to go off at least five times in a 45 minute span. I have stamina in terms of endurance and stamina in terms of number of rounds we got in the chamber.

Taking care of your needs won’t be an issue. I go down all the dark rabbit holes others won’t. C Section scars don’t scare me. I’m like a dog that likes to roll around in gross shit that he finds outside. Anything and everything will be used as war paint for myself.

5: Powerful Woman Don’t Scare Me. I Prefer Them.

I know most guys have superiority issues when it comes to women. I do not. I would love nothing more than to get scooped up by some rich girl where my main job is to be a stay at home dad. Of course, I’m still working out keeping shit tight and getting the asshole kids to school.

I empower women at my sports media company. The lead web developer, video editor, social media manager, and audio producer are all women at this company. Women are just way smarter than men. I’m not going to sit here and be terrified of a woman that has money, power, and respect. I prefer it and won’t accept anything less for myself.

Let’s just see how this thing goes. Who knows; maybe Ali will prove to be the perfect side piece for me. Maybe I’ll hate her. Women very much fall into the “can’t live with them, can’t live without them” sort of paradox. It’s a very much two-way street. My 29-year-old dick is valuable and more than just fan dick.

Here’s a first date idea. We take an edible at 2 P.M. Then head over to the aquarium to watch the jellyfish go back and forth. What do you say?

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