Eazy Pickings With Von: NFL Week 7

Eazy Pickings With Von: NFL Week 7

NFL Week 7. Back like I never left. You may have noticed a hole in your pocket last week. Might have stopped in your tracks and thought to yourself “aren’t I usually flushed with cash after the weekend?” Maybe checked your bank account wondering where all your money went. And for that I apologize, because I didn’t post my picks. And honestly, for the best because after a crazy week of NFL I might have sent you right to the poor house. Call it a “sixth sense”, call it a “fluke”, call it “my girlfriend’s growing concern about what could be a serious gambling problem”; whatever you call it, I call it “a lucky break.” Let’s recap: after a HOT 6-2 start, my last set of picks humbled me. 3-4 for the week. Yikes. Which brings me to a grand total of 9-6. Well, boys and girls, we’re still in the black. But is that good enough? Are we settling? Hell no. Vegas thinks they got us. They’re laughing in our face. They knocked us down in the Second Round and don’t think we’re getting back up. But our 8 seconds are over. We’re up, we brushed the dirt off, and we’re ready to go out swinging. Let’s give Vegas the underdog story of a lifetime, because we’re not stopping until we empty every vault in that cotdamn city.

Let’s go.

Favorites

Chiefs -3 ½ @ Broncos:

Big bounce-back game for the folks in Kansas City. And that thin Denver air only means one thing: Mahomes can now bomb it even further to Hill. Chiefs getting in early and wiping the place clean like Andy Reid during Prime Rib Night at the Golden Corral.

49ers -10 ½ @ Redskins:

I’m as surprised as you are. Despite Jimmy G’s overwhelmingly distracting handsomeness, the 49ers have somehow been able to pry their eyes away from that chiseled chin just long enough to keep that undefeated streak alive. Also, good to remember that Former ‘Skins Coach/Current 49er’s Head Coach Kyle Shanahan fucking hates the Redskins. I don’t think the points stop coming this game from the Bay Area Badboys (Is San Fran the Bay Area? I don’t know anything about Cali).

Dawgs

Jets +10 @ Home vs Patriots:

Tom Brady is just Diet Sam Darnold.

Cardinals +3 @ Giants:

As the sun begins to set on the Mariota/Winston saga, a new dawn arises with a matchup between the next generation’s battle of future terrible QB’s. Time truly is a flat circle. Kyler Murray-ota and the Cards win this outright. Sprinkle some of that cash on the Arizona ML.

Eagles ML @ Dallas:

Despite the Philly front office actively avoiding fixing their secondary for * checks notes * ~4 years, Eagles still win this outright. Dallas, despite last week, only plays well when they run the ball well. And this Eagles Run D is going to hit harder than an angry Zeke in a bar full of pedestrians. It’s going to be a Dakota Rain-y day in Dallas as the Eagles take their first step to a path that only leads to me being belligerently drunk and emotional on Broad at my second Eagles Super Bowl Parade. And if I’m wrong and the Eagles lose, just remember that I’m more of a 76er’s/Flyers guy, always have been and everybody knows that about me. So if the Eagles lose on Sunday, just know that I won’t be spiraling into a crippling depression and that I’ll be completely fine. Because, like I said, I’m just a basketball and hockey guy. Ask anybody.

Overs

Ravens/Seahawks o49 ½:

All jokes aside, the game I’m most looking forward to watching. One of the best young QB’s in the league vs. a potential MVP candidate. Expect lots of magic coming from behind center. A shootout just waiting to happen. Points on points on points.

Honestly, another week not great for overs. Lots of good offenses playing good defenses. Lots of bad offenses playing bad defenses. Only other lines I like are Texans/Colts o47 ½ and Eagles/Cowboys o49.

Unders

Get out.

Von’s Bonus Pick of the Week

Demi Lovato +100 To Die Before Artie Lang:

Have you seen pictures of Artie Lang recently? Besides his nose laying flat against his face, guy has been looking great and looks like he really is turning his life around. Not sure how Demi is doing, could just be a case of Recency Bias. Artie Lang in 6.

Story Time

Well, kids, settle in. Time for a story from your favorite Uncle Vonny. Here’s a little tale about why I fucking hate alpacas.

In high school, I was one of the last people to get my driving license. Part of this was because I was the 3^rd youngest in my grade (not to brag, just smart for my age tbh, a young scholar some would say), but also because I failed my driving test 4 times, which is a story for a different day. But anyways, the summer going into my senior year, ya boy finally got that license, but with a catch: I wasn’t allowed to drive unless I got a job. I applied to a million places, but unfortunately, nobody at the time was looking for 16 year old douchebags. At which point my dad came to me with an opportunity that changed the course of my life forever: a farm hand at an Alpaca Farm. You might be asking yourself “fuck does anybody do with a farm of 200 alpacas?” Well, I’ll tell ya. Alpacas are revered for their fur, which is then turned into wool called Huacaya fiber. Fun fact: did you know Huacaya fiber is naturally water and fire resistant? Not very funny, but you’ll never forget it. One day, you’ll be driving down an old farm road and see an alpaca, at which point you’ll turn to your significant other and say “hey, did you know Huacaya fiber is naturally water and fire resistant?” and you’ll think of me, your ol’ pal Vonny.

So I get this job with this alpaca farm. Here’s my job description: shovel shit and feed them. Just me and 200+ alpacas.

My stats:

5’8 ¾”, 140 lbs., 37+ pairs of lax bro shorts

Alpacas:

4’, 150-200 pounds, assholes

Also, alpacas spit. Constantly. So I’ll be trying to clean their shit and these scumbags are spitting on me. Degrading. But one pen of alpacas was worse than the others. A pen for the degenerates. 5 alpacas, 2 llamas (yeah, there’s a difference), and their leader: an all-white alpaca appropriately named King Tut. See, Tut was different than most other alpacas. Weak at birth, his owners house-raised him. At 5 years of age, he wasn’t socialized until 1 year before I arrived, now living full time in the pen. Tut went from small, frail alpaca to the pen’s undisputed alpha. Reaching a height close to 5 feet and weighing over 300 pounds, he was no ordinary alpaca. And damn did he hate me. He could smell the bitch on me the second I walked through that gate, cause he’d run over and ram me over and over again, every day. And, for the most part, I managed. Until one day.

It was a regular day. I clean all the pens, except one, I always saved Tut’s for last. I walk in, see Tut look at me, and brace for my daily body-slam. Surprisingly, he did nothing. Odd, but I’m tryna get home, so I go to the shit pile in the corner and start shoveling, back facing the pen. About halfway through, I almost fall over as a huge weight pulls down on my shoulders. I catch myself on my pitchfork, push myself up, and look up over my left shoulder and see Tut’s head, hooves hooked over both my shoulders. And guess what guys, he didn’t want a piggyback, he wanted me to bear his child.

So there I am, 16 years old, trying to avoid the unwanted sexual advances of a giant stuffed animal.

I pushed on his hooves. I tried to move around to the left in a circle to drag him off me. Nothing worked, and my frail calves were beginning to fail. At that moment, instinct kicked in. Above my left shoulder, hanging just next to top of my temple, was Tut’s head, just floating there. So, without thinking and with all my might, I took my right fist and threw the nastiest haymaker of my life, connecting directly with Tut’s big, dumbass chin.

I hear a screech, and with a final push to my back he jumps off, runs to the other side of the pen, throws himself into the wooden side of the pen, lays there on his side for a second, then scrambles up and moves to the side completely opposite of me. I walk out, shit half shoveled, call my mom, and go home. And that was my last day at the alpaca farm.

So, to sum everything up, let me first say that abuse of any animal is never okay. Hell has a special place for people that abuse their pets or any other animal. BUT if you ever find yourself with a large animal on your back trying to forcefully give you their seed, well then I believe you’re allowed to have one good shot.

Thanks for reading, see you guys next week.

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