Don’t Eat The Cheese: 2022 Fantasy Hockey Goalie Busts
If you’re unfamiliar with my Don’t Eat the Cheese series, let me catch you up to speed. I love hockey so I’m carrying the same concepts I use for fantasy football here. Trust me, I’ve had some great success so far and it’s painfully apparent the smart people have not entered the fantasy hockey realm yet. Today, we aim to identify the 2022 fantasy hockey goalies that will tank your season. Avoid them at current draft costs.
At the end of the year when I do my Sean Allen video, we will be tracking all of these. All of these are direct challenges that these players will not be worth the current acquisition cost that Allen has them ranked for.
*ESPN Rankings for full perspective.
1: Igor Shesterkin (New York Rangers) – G1, 3rd overall
I’m sorry, but you just can’t do this. I get it and I listed it among the tough calls every drafter needs to make in fantasy hockey. Can Igor Shesterkin simply repeat last year’s performance? It was the year of god from Shesterkin last year. .935 SV%, 2.07 GAA on a team that went to the Eastern Conference Finals.
Shesterkin may be very good again but are we really going to sit here and pretend this guy should go third behind Connor McDavid and Auston Matthews in drafts? I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
I’m also kinda out on the Rangers. Their 5 on 5 numbers last year were brutal. They were a bottom 5 team in the league that made a weird run based on insane power play efficiency and elite goaltending.
Chris Kreider isn’t scoring 52 goals again. The Rangers aren’t going to the Eastern Conference Finals again. Do you see where I’m going with this? I’m fading the Rangers. Even if you’re not, Shesterkin basically has to outdo himself to make this ranking justified. Can’t do it.
If you really want to know the real story, I’ve been trying to tell the NHL Slack chat for the last eight months that Sean Allen was going to do this. I know how his brain works better than he does. He should be very worried.
2: Ilya Sorokin (New York Islanders) – G3, 15th overall
Is this some sort of sick joke? It feels like one. I actually laughed when I saw this one. Like straight out loud. Don’t get me wrong, Sorokin was good last year. Actually, really good.
But what are we doing?
ESPN has Sorokin ranked one spot higher than Mitch Marner. We do get how insane that is, right? Are you trying to intentionally give yourself cancer? Yeah, let me pass on basically every Matthews snipe because I want to go into the year with Sorokin so I can stick a fork in my eye if Semyon Varlamov gets hot for a two week stretch. Can’t do it. Won’t do it.
Seriously, what are we even talking about here? We do get that the Islanders fired Barry Trotz? We do get that the Islanders basically struck out in free agency? We do get that the Islanders have arguably the best back up (who really isn’t a back up) in the league?
You’re asking for trouble. What’s the best case here? Contemplating slitting my wrists while I watch Marner pocket 50 assists from just dishing it to Matthews alone? Can’t do it. Won’t do it.
3: Jacob Markstrom (Calgary Flames) – G4, 18th overall
This is how I know I’m seeing the board. Stock market baby. Last year I had Jacob Markstrom on my team and won the title. That’s because he was ranked too low and overall had one of the top five seasons in the league. This year Sean Allen wants him and I’m ready to say bye-bye. What does that tell you? Always one step ahead.
Let’s think about the season Markstrom is coming off of. He led the league in shut outs with nine a year ago. His previous career high is three. We think that’s repeatable in a normal range of outcomes in the Western Conference? Can’t buy it.
Markstrom’s save percentage last year was .922. Prior to that, his former career was was .918 two years ago. He also started an insane 63 games and you could tell it started to wear on him as the year went on. Darryl Sutter is stubborn but I’m not sure he’s stupid. This is the same goalie we’re talking about that gave up 26 goals against the Oilers in the six game playoff series? We’re going to put him 18th overall one spot ahead of Mika Zibanejad. Three spots ahead of Aleksander Barkov. Stop it.
I actually like the Flames back up options. Dan Vladar was on my salary cap crunch team. Also, I don’t really pay too much attention to prospect rankings but I know their AHL goalie Dustin Wolf looks pretty damn good. Posted a really good year in the AHL last year. Heading into age 33 season?
You’re playing with fire. Probably more like mercury but at least fire.
4: Tristan Jarry (Pittsburgh Penguins) – G7, 44th overall
Don’t get it. Look, overall Tristan Jarry was good last year. He totally was. For the most part anyway. I just don’t buy it and this man just has a way of letting you down when it matters most. Hurt at the wrong time at the end of the year a year ago. I’m sure it cost several people that drafted him last year.
I also think Jarry as a player is closer to the .909 SV% guy from two years ago. Plus, it’s a borderline playoff team at best. Respect to Sid the kid but it’s not like the Penguins are going to be a win machine for you to make this pick worth it even if Jarry has a good year. Which again, I think the guy sucks.
5: Connor Hellebuyck (Winnipeg Jets) – G8, 47th overall
I’m not going to do the Connor Hellebuyck overrated song and dance even though I think it’s true. We can sit here and argue about that all day and I just don’t fee like it today. Maybe another day.
Maybe this will be a boring pick that works out. However, riddle me this. This is what you should really be asking yourself. Do you buy Winnipeg? How many games is that team winning because if that answer is less than 40 (it was 39 a year ago) then you better give yourself a little reality check. If Hellebuyck isn’t going to stack wins, he needs to be the Vezina winner for you to make him a better pick than Jack Eichel who is ranked two spots below.
For the record, I don’t buy Winnipeg. I think they will finish 6th in the Central again behind Colorado, Minnesota, St. Louis, Nashville, and Dallas who I all consider to be better teams.
6: Darcy Kuemper (Washington Capitals) – G9, 48th overall
I actually understand this one but also not really. Has Phillipp Grubauer written all over it. Good luck in Washington. This isn’t Colorado. When you figure out, let’s circle back and have a chat around December when I can laugh in your face. Just promise me you show up when it’s time.
7: John Gibson (Anaheim Ducks) – G14, 131st overall
John Gibson either is not good anymore or just doesn’t care until he gets out of Anaheim. At this point, either could be true. However, until Gibson is playing for someone else, do not bother. Three straight years with a SV% under .905 and never more than 20 wins in either of those years. ESPN thinks that’s starter level material on a Ducks team that is not ready yet? C’mon guys. Keep up. Watch the games. Use your eyeballs or at least pay attention to the numbers at bare minimum. This ranking is unjustifiable to anyone that keeps up with the game.
8: Petr Mrazek (Chicago Blackhawks) – G17, 162nd overall
This man Sean Allen truly is one of the great idiots of the sports media world isn’t he? I can’t believe I have to explain this but let’s just do it. We’ll try to make this fun.
A year ago, Mrazek posted a SV% of .888 in 20 games with a good regular season Maple Leafs team. Trust me, if I could dump on the Leafs, I’d do it but fantasy is regular season only! Sooo don’t worry, you can actually trust their players for fantasy. Of course, not Mrazek because he’s hashtag terrible.
Picture all of the Leafs playoff collapses. Then take a look at Mrazek. He’s that except the goalie version. Hashtag terrible.
In fact, he’s so terrible that the Leafs traded Mrazek along with the 25th overall in the past NHL Draft to Chicago for the 38th overall pick. Yeah, he’s so bad the Leafs got rid of him and had to move down in the draft to do it. In reality, Toronto shouldn’t have even gotten the 38th overall pick back. The Chicago general manager is just brain dead as evidence by his Alex DeBrincat trade.
Are you following? Oh, he plays for Chicago now. The same team Seth Jones was directly asked if he regret signing with because of how awful they are. The same team Patrick Kane could trade at any given moment. The same team that is the odds on favorite to land the number one overall pick in 2023?
Do we all see why I call Sean Allen brain dead? Goalie 17? I’m sorry, I don’t think Allen can be helped. I’m not sure he’s a real human at this point. Might be one of those bingo machine generators that picks a random name out.
